Waiting For Mr. Ashwell Read online

  The room spun around him for several minutes and his heart tried to pound it’s way out of his chest. Ash convulsed as a tremor passed through him and he threw his arm over his eyes and cursed. Once he was breathing normally, he carefully slid the cock from inside of him. He shivered as his tight hole closed and drowsiness washed over him. He got up and quickly cleaned the cock and himself before pulling on his robe and crashing back onto the bed.

  It was a matter of minutes before Ash felt unconsciousness pulling him under. He smiled as Ned’s face floated before him. He always dreamed of Ned after he came like that.

  Chapter 4

  “Good morning!” Ned waved as he strode into the dining room. Ash flicked the news sheet down and glared.

  “It’s lunch time, Ned.” Ash grumbled before he flicked the paper back up. Ned looked at the empty plate on the table in front of Ash and smiled. Ash was always hungry.

  Ned was always aroused. Especially when Ash was there. He’d woken face down on his bed, fully dressed with his cock in his hand. Ned had imagined there was a beautiful, young soldier beneath him and exhausted himself. He’d laughed as he rolled over and found his hand still sticky. He’d wiped it on his shirt and stroked himself to completion again. Then, went back to sleep. Ned filled a plate and sat across from Ash.

  “How did you pass your day?” Ned asked as he attacked his plate. Ash shrugged.

  “Went for a ride this morning, read in the study, wrote a letter to my solicitor.” He folded the news sheet and set it down. His pale aqua eyes held Ned’s for a moment before he frowned and cleared his throat. “Do you have plans for the afternoon?” Ash asked and Ned smiled as he chewed and nodded. Once he swallowed he waved his fork in front of him.

  “Lots to do today! Sit in the study, drink scotch, play a little billiards, read some…” He reached for his wine and grinned at the muscle that twitched in Ash’s jaw. He was trying to appear stern but the twitch was a smile he refused to let loose. Ned loved when Ash smiled, it was like someone lit a thousand candles in the room. “You know, you’re allowed to be happy, Ash.” Ned teased. Instead of rolling his eyes or snorting, Ash’s frown became real and his brows pulled together.

  “What do you mean?” His voice was low and strained. Ned laughed gently.

  “I’ve known you long enough to know your moods. You’re a lot happier here than in Town or in Yorkshire. It wouldn’t kill you to admit it to yourself or let someone see you smile, God forbid.” He winked jauntily and looked at him expectantly. Instead of mumbling something sarcastic or flashing his absurd forced smile, Ash became pale. “Are you all right?” Ned set his fork down and leaned forward. Ash nodded jerkily.

  “I need to go. There’s something I forgot to do.” His voice broke as he pushed his chair back abruptly and practically ran from the room.

  Ned turned in his seat and looked after him. His brow rose and he blinked for several moments before he turned back to his food. He shook his head in confusion before he picked up his fork and knife.

  When Ned found Ash, he was in the study reading. He barely glanced up from his book as Ned fell into his seat across from him.

  “Did you sort everything out?” Ned asked casually. Ash nodded.

  “I remembered something I need my solicitor to look into.” He lied. Ned’s eyes narrowed as he watched Ash pretending to read.

  “It must have been very important for you to dash from the room like that.” Ned said as he crossed his legs. Ash remained still for a moment before he shrugged.

  “Moderately.” He flipped a page.

  “Anything you want to discuss?” Ned asked as he crossed his arms over his chest. Ash shook his head.

  “No.” He shifted and held the book in front of him.

  “Are you certain? You seemed rather upset.” Ned said carefully. Ash sighed.

  “Ned.”

  “Ash?”

  “Shut up. I’m trying to read.” Ned rolled his eyes and went to the sideboard. He poured one scotch and went to his desk. He can get his own damned drink. Ned nodded defiantly as he sat and started looking for something to do.

  Chapter 5

  Ash tugged off his gloves as he strode down the hall to the dining room. His blood was still pounding in his ears from his ride and his face stung from the cold air. It was the perfect morning. He decided he would find some way to apologize for being such an ass to Ned the day before. He’d avoided conversation most of the day and had retired early. He needed to find something to blame a foul mood on.

  He couldn’t explain to Ned that he’d almost told him that he was always happy when they were together, that he was never as happy as when they spent the day doing nothing. He’d come so close to breaking down and telling him everything. It was too soon. Ash had just arrived and he didn’t want to have to leave. So, he spent the day berating himself and promising that he could hold it together for a few weeks.

  The last thing he expected to see was Ned waiting for him in the dining room. He froze in the doorway. Then, he made a show of stepping back and looking around the hall.

  “What in the world are you doing?” Ned asked. Ash shook his head in exaggerated confusion as he went to the sideboard.

  “I was afraid I’d walked into the wrong home. I didn’t expect to find this room inhabited.” He started piling food on his plate and heat washed over him as Ned chuckled and stepped past him to get a plate.

  “I went to bed after you and decided that I’d get up early and join you for breakfast. I wouldn’t want you in a mood again because I overslept.” Ned teased as he heaped an appalling amount of bacon on his plate. Ash raised a brow at him when he sat. He decided that if Ned was teasing, he could get away with not apologizing.

  “Now, you have twice as much day to do nothing.” Ash said as he poured a cup of coffee. Ned grinned boyishly and Ash held his breath. It’s too early for this to start, he scolded himself. It didn't work. His breeches started to get uncomfortable and he shifted in his seat.

  “Brilliant! Perhaps we could get foxed before lunch!” Ned cheered before he crammed a whole piece of bacon in his mouth. Ash’s frown was sincere.

  “That isn’t one of your better ideas.” It would be catastrophic, actually. The way his cock was already starting to ache, he’d either embarrass himself or find himself in his room, with the doors locked, before dinner. Ned was oblivious.

  “Well, what do you want to do?” He looked at Ash pointedly. Ash knew exactly what he wanted to do. A vision flashed before his eyes and he felt his cheeks grow warm. He became absorbed in reaching for the sugar and putting half the bowl, spoonful by spoonful into his cup. Ned leaned forward. “What?” Ash swore silently. He’d made Ned curious. He shook his head.

  “Nothing. I can’t think of anything better to do.” He took a large drink of his coffee and his eye started to twitch and he stifled a cough. There was more sugar than coffee in his cup, he was sure. Ned laughed.

  “No, there was something! I saw it!” He insisted. Ash rolled his eyes.

  “I’m certain there wasn’t. Am I going to be able to eat, or are you going to rattle on like an old woman all morning?” He complained. Ned grinned and crossed his arms.

  “We are a bit like an old couple lately. You’re becoming cranky in your old age, Ash.” Ned teased. Pain streaked through Ash and he felt his chest lock. Once again, Ned had struck at the core of his desires. He knew Ned had done it unknowingly but Ash was being teased with the only thing he wanted. Ash wished he could leave but after yesterday, he forced himself to stay in his seat. But Ned saw it. “Ash? Are you all right?” He asked gently. Ash nodded as he looked down at his plate.

  “I’m fine. Can we eat?” He had hoped that his voice would come out as more than a whisper but it failed him. Ned pushed his plate to the side.

  “No. What’s wrong with you?” His voice was concerned and soft, Ash tried to shut his ears to it and shook his head.

  “Nothing. Let it go, Ned.�
� He stabbed at his eggs and Ned slammed his fist on the table. Ash felt his eyes go wide. Ned’s angry? He looked up and Ned’s eyes flashed as they drilled into his.

  “Put down the goddamned fork and talk to me.” He growled. Arousal rushed through Ash and it only made him furious. He didn’t need that. Not when he was already vulnerable.

  “If we’re not eating, I’ll leave.” He started to push his chair back and Ned pointed at him.

  “Don’t even think about it, Ash!” Ned yelled. Ash felt his heart start to beat wildly and it was in his ears.

  “Why are you pushing me? I’m just angry and instead of letting me cope with it, you want to poke at it!” He knew he was raising his voice but it felt good to let the pressure escape instead of trying to hold it in. Ned sat back and rubbed his hand across his mouth.

  “Are you angry with me?” He asked cautiously. Ash shook his head and pressed his fingers to his temples.

  “No. Why would I be angry with you?” He felt tired and raw. Ned narrowed his eyes as if he was reading him. Ash hated it but held still as Ned leaned forward

  “It feels like you’re mad at me. Yesterday you stormed off and avoided me all day. Now, you’re looking at the door like it’s the only way out of Pompeii. I don’t know what I said yesterday or today to make you angry…” Ash cut him off.

  “I’m not angry with you, Ned!” There. He yelled. He grabbed the arms of the chair and it took all his strength to stay in it.

  “What then? And don’t say it’s nothing.” Ned warned. Ash threw his hands in the air.

  “I’m angry with myself! I’m so damned angry, I hate myself, Ned. Usually, I can push it down and just be here but it’s not working this time.” Ash turned and stared out the window, hoping the view would sooth him. Looking at Ned was making him too emotional.

  “That’s why you leave.” Ned whispered. Ash’s eyes flicked to his. He forced himself to stay calm, Ned wouldn’t see it if he stayed calm. Ned’s eyes searched his face. “Why are you angry with yourself?” Ash stretched his neck, trying to release the tension. He stared back at Ned, letting him see the torment in him.

  “What do you see?” He sucked in a tight breath. “When you look at me, what do you see?” His voice was hard and flat. Ned’s head pulled back and he frowned.

  “What do you mean?” He asked carefully. Ash held his gaze.

  “What am I, Ned?” Ash held completely still as Ned considered.

  “You’re the best person I know, Ash. You’re brilliant, kind, strong and brave. You’re a good man and you’ve always been there for me.” His voice was clear and utterly sincere. Ash knew he should have been moved but something in him snapped. He wanted Ned to see how broken he was.

  “I’m a fraud.” Ash saw Ned’s brows pull together and he shook his head. Ash smiled but there was no joy in it. “I’m not good, or strong, or brave.” He dared Ned to argue. Ned smiled reassuringly.

  “You’re a bloody war hero. I’m pretty sure that’s proof enough.” He said gently. Ash laughed. It was a sick sound and Ned frowned.

  “I’m selfish. Nothing that I did on any battlefield was for king or country.” He stood and unbuttoned his coat and waistcoat. “I just wanted to die, Ned.” He untucked his shirt from his breeches and pulled it as high as he could, revealing a map of scars and burns. Ned gasped and Ash let his shirt fall. “I tried like hell. Each time, I tried to take as many of the enemy with me or shield as many of my men as I could but it was just about me and how much I wanted it all to end.” He fell into his seat and turned back to the window. He chewed on his thumb as he considered his next statement. It’s time. Get it over with and let it be done. “I’ve known since I was a child that I would never truly be happy. I was never like the other boys, Ned.” He kept his eyes fixed on the roses on the other side of the glass. “When we were in school and all of our classmates were fantasizing about the girl at the tavern, I was fantasizing about my classmates.” Well, just the one. But I’m not going to damn myself completely.

  When he finally looked at Ned, he was sitting back, his hand was over his mouth and his eyes were wide and unseeing. Ash swallowed painfully then nodded as he rose from his seat. He strode quickly from the room, down the hall and out the back door.

  Ash had walked all day. He had no clue where. Once it started to get dark, he turned back to Elston. He had no idea what time it was when he found Ned at the billiard table. Ned looked up as he entered and Ash shut the door behind him. Ash crossed the room and fell into a chair. He watched Ned for several moments. He was so damned beautiful. He let his eyes pull him in, probably for the last time.

  “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.” Ash said softly. Ned’s head snapped up and he shook it as he set the cue on the table. He came around and leaned against the table in front of Ash. He crossed his arms and waited until Ash looked up.

  “No.” Ned’s eyes poured into his. “I want you to stay.” Ash frowned.

  “I can’t, Ned. It will be awkward and that will be worse than me snapping at you angrily and avoiding you.” He said. Ned shook his head again.

  “We will never be awkward, Ash. Even if I was the sort of man that had a wife and kids, none of what you said would change how I feel about you.” He watched as Ash looked up in confusion. Ned grinned and pointed at his face. “Look at me. Do you think I don’t have my pick of the litter? I’m not married because the idea of living like that with a woman makes me queasy and I’d rather do nothing in my study with a miserable son of a bitch.” He stared down at Ash pointedly.

  Ash felt all the air leave his body in a loud whoosh and the room tilted. It was his turn to stare in shock. He tried to stand but his legs weren’t ready. He gripped the arms of the chair and blinked up at Ned.

  “But the women. I’ve seen you with them. A lot of them, Ned.” His voice was hoarse. Ned chuckled.

  “I gave it my best effort. I could always pull it off if I was drunk enough and my mind was in the right place.” His smile was rakish and Ash felt it in his chest and his groin.

  “I don’t know what to do now.” Ash admitted. His brain had cut off completely and he couldn’t feel his limbs. Ned held his hands up.

  “Neither do I. I’ve never done anything other than imagine doing everything.” Ned joked. It made the blood rush to Ash’s cock. “Have you?” He asked softly. Ash shook his head.

  “Not with another man. It’s not like I could flirt across a card table or just proposition someone at White’s.” He grumbled as he pushed his hand through his hair.

  “Have you kissed a man?” Ned asked. Ash shook his head again.

  “I’ve barely kissed a woman, Ned. I tried once and it was miserable. I lasted about ten seconds before I panicked and ran.” He groaned as he swiveled his neck. Every muscle in his body was tightening and the room felt too hot. He looked up at Ned and found him smiling down at him.

  “Would you like to kiss me?” His voice was smooth and low. It curled through Ash and he felt his body rising from the chair.

  “Oh, God, yes!” He whispered as he stepped toward him. Ned pushed from the table and Ash stopped just before their bodies touched. He knew his body was shaking but he couldn’t feel it. He was just a pounding heart and a painfully throbbing cock. And lips. His lips felt like they were on fire. Ash inhaled and the smell of Ned flooded him. Bergamot, citrus, tea and scotch. It was heaven and his mouth watered. They were almost the same height and he could feel Ned’s breath against his lips. He was afraid to move, to touch him. He didn’t want it to end and he was sure that as soon as any part of his body touched Ned’s he’d wake up. Or die. He took a deep breath and it shuddered through him. “Ned, you have no idea…” His voice broke and he felt his eyes watering. He saw Ned swallow and his lips curved gently. They were so close Ash could almost feel it against his lips.

  “I swear, I do, Ash.” Ned whispered. The words were hot and moist and Ash licked his lips. He tasted them and his erection throbbed. Ned’
s pupils dilated and his head tilted forward. Ash held his breath and he felt Ned’s warm, soft lips brush against his. They dragged slowly from side to side and heat spilled through Ash. He raised his chin up and down just enough to make their lips part and cling. Ned’s hand fell tentatively on his shoulder and Ash groaned when he felt Ned’s tongue slide along his lips. He raised his hand to cradle Ned’s jaw but it shook and hovered in the air next to his face. Ash felt Ned’s hand press against his, guiding his hand to his face. As soon as it connected with his skin, need exploded within Ash. He growled and angled his head as he opened his lips and his tongue slid against Ned’s. He tasted like scotch and something crisp and it made Ash’s head spin. His tongue was everywhere in Ned’s mouth, trying to learn every new texture and taste. He felt Ned’s hand squeeze his shoulder and pull him closer.

  Their bodies connected and Ned sighed into his mouth. It made Ash desperate. He pushed his hand into Ned’s hair and he moaned in delight when he felt the cool, silk soft strands around his fingers. His hands started moving; from Ned’s hair to his face, his arm, his neck, his chest, his back… Ash was still too afraid to touch him below the waist and he tried to keep his groin from touching Ned’s. He didn’t want to lose control and maul him or spill himself in his pants. Ned’s hand was under his coat and fisted in his shirt, locking Ash against him as their tongues dueled.

  He started to back Ned against the table and his mind raced ahead. He pictured his hands tearing at Ned’s clothes, ripping the falls of his trousers open before he dropped to his knees. Lust roared through Ash. Then, fear. What about tomorrow? What if Ned regretted everything? What if he couldn’t look at Ash once it was over? He’d lose Ned forever. Ash felt his chest lock, he tried to get his lungs to expand but they wouldn’t. His hands closed around Ned’s arms as he raised his head and gasped. It wasn’t working. Ned’s eyes were searching his and he grabbed Ash’s lapels. Ash threw his head back and kept gasping as the room started to blur around him. His body started to prickle and then it was gone.